5 Valuable Things Facebook Has Taught Me

After many years and countless wads of cash spent on therapy, workshops, seminars, conferences, discussion groups, round tables, symposiums, self-help books, other-person-help books (you know, “How To Make Your Man/Children/Boss/Neighbor blah blah blah”), crying, marathon talks on the phone with my friends, and good old-fashioned numbing out the pain with a tube of cookie dough, I’ve not been able to transform into the person I feel I ought to be by now. Namely, Supergirl.

And then one day I realized that all I needed to learn was right here at my fingertips. Facebook! This social media platform is a microcosm of the real world, and once I master the lessons of FB, I can bring my new tools with me to my job, my relationships, even my coffeeshop interactions. And the best part is, I don’t even have to get dressed to take this life course! Stay with me, cuz it’s brilliant.

Facebook teaches me:

1. To be visible. Oh sure, you may think that hiding behind a computer in the dark basement of my mom’s house doesn’t make me visible, but you’d be wrong. I post pictures of myself in varying degrees of humiliation, other people tag me in their photos (Drunk Selena at a party; Coked out Selena in the middle of an intersection; High Selena at the supermarket, etc.), and when I call in sick to work and then take a road trip to Ojai, FB is the first to out me on its Map app (“Selena was at Robert Patterson’s house in Ojai today!”). This is a valuable tool to bring with me out into the real world: don’t be afraid of being visible. No matter what. 
2. To ask for what I want. For example, I am having a birthday party for my new iPhone 5 on September 12 and I want everyone to attend and bring prezzies (I’ve registered at Apple.com, by the way). I’ve also created a FB Page (not to be confused with a plebian FB Profile) and every time I send out an update on my new baby’s features, I get to ask you to "Like" me. Yesterday I practiced asking for what I wanted at Starbucks: “Good morning, I’d like a grande half-caff extra hot no foam unsweetened with whip caramel-lite mocha cappuccino. Hit LIKE if you think this drink order rocks!” The stink-eye I received from the kid taking my order did not deter me in the least. Because I’d practiced this tool on Facebook first.
3. To not take anything personally or anyone seriously. This means when people leave derisive comments on my post about a celebration for an inanimate object that I purchased for the same amount of money with which I could buy a month’s worth of groceries, I get to laugh it off. Ha ha ha. And then when I reply to their comment with a three-page rant, I get to end with ‘LOL!’ so that they don’t take me seriously. Note: there are several spots still available in my passive-aggressive workshop next week.     
4. To ignore incessant chatter. To be successful in the real world, you must learn to tune out what you don’t want to hear, and focus on what you need to hear. Oddly, I don’t hear much of anything these days. I’ve gotten so good at this it’s like I’m living in deep space. Facebook is the perfect learning tool for this. If you have 500 “Friends” (notice the use of quotations to indicate a word used with irony or reservation), chances are 80% of what comes in on your news feed can be classified as “incessant chatter”; be especially aware of any post that begins MUST READ! or IMPORTANT! or BAD LUCK TO YOU FOREVER IF YOU DON’T SHARE! Skimming and speed reading are helpful skills.
5. What everyone is having for lunch. Wait, is that a tuna sandwich?? Stop the presses!! 

Ok, that last bullet point definitely merits a derisive comment from all you tuna sandwich lovers on my Facebook page, but that’s ok, because I asked for it. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to iron my cape, lace up my red boots, and go tackle the world, one post at a time!