How To Publish a Novel in 63 Easy Steps

As many of you know, I just signed a contract with a publisher for my romance novel. After three straight days of jumping up and down and squealing, “They’re publishing my book, they’re publishing my book, they’re publishing my book!!” and then another two just grinning uncontrollably like the Cheshire Cat (which makes talking difficult, but brushing teeth a breeze, FYI), I finally read my emails. There were a few people who asked the big question: So, how did you do it? How do you get your book published?

I’m here to tell you how to publish a novel in 63 easy steps.

1.       Go back to your childhood and read A LOT. Take out the maximum amount of books allowable at the library and chortle at the librarian’s warning that you have only two weeks to read them.

2.       Oh yeah, invent a time machine for #1.

3.       Write, write, write….and then write some more. Write while at work (exhibit A, your honor), at school, on the bus, while walking, first thing in the morning, at midnight, for a minute at a time, for eight straight hours. You get the point. 

4-18. Dream about being a writer.

19.   Complete a novel. Don’t worry, you’re not going to let anyone read it. It sucks. But you HAVE TO write sucky novels to get to the good ones that are within you.

20.   Complete a novel. Don’t worry, you’re not going to let anyone read it. It sucks. But you HAVE TO write sucky novels to get to the good ones that are within you. (No, this is not a typo.)

21.   Go to book signings and book readings.

22.   Hang out with other writers. Don’t know any? I’ll bet you do. They’re the observant, well-spoken ones in any group. Still don’t know any? Go to Starbucks, close your eyes and point. 

23-33. Dream about being a writer. Get frustrated because it’s not like getting a business degree and then two years later having “CFO” on your office door.

34.   Learn to enjoy being a waiter, temp, dog walker, paralegal, taxi driver, personal assistant or whatever other “B-job” you will take to pay the bills.

35.   Get a sugar daddy/mama.

36.   Marry #35.

37.   Divorce #35.

38.   Return to #34.

39.   Complete a novel. This time let someone (remember all those writers you befriended back in #22?) read it and give you honest feedback.

40.   Be amazed that it took you all this time to discover Writer’s Market. Devour the Literary Agent section.

41.   Feel overwhelmed.

42.   Make a list of literary agents that represent your genre.

43.   Revise the novel you got feedback on.

44.   Write a short synopsis and a query letter. Read The Sell Your Novel Tool Kit by Elizabeth Lyon to learn how. There are a ton of great books out there, and you should read them all, but this is the one I am mentioning.

45.   By the way, quit referring to yourself as a writer-wannabe. You ARE a writer. You’re writing, aren’t you?

46-49. Dream about being a published novelist. Stop listening to people who ask you if it’s time to quit trying. And no, your age has nothing to do with success.

50.   Start sending your query letter out to literary agents! Vomiting, shaking, crying and heavy drinking are all acceptable reactions in this stage. Read every literary agent’s submission guidelines carefully and heed them! You don’t have to be perfect, but you don’t have to be a disrespectful, oblivious ass either. Professionalism is KEY here.

51.   Make a folder for rejection letters/emails.

52.   Receive rejection letters/emails. Immediately file into appropriate folder and send out next batch of query letters.

53.   Tell everyone you know that you are a writer, have written a novel, are seeking an agent, are sending out query letters, and are always open to being treated to breakfast/lunch/dinner (which you’ll need, unless you ignored #37).

54.   Get to work on your next novel.

55.   Get into the flow of sending out query letters to new agents and filing away the rejection letters.

56.   Be amazed that it took you all this time to discover two magazines: The Writer and Writer’s Digest. Notice that every issue has a list of literary agents or publishers or literary magazines or writing contests and realize how much easier it makes #55. Try to blame someone else for your lack of knowledge with, “Why didn’t anyone tell me about these magazines??” and then let it go.

57.   Receive more rejection letters. Wonder if you should give up and get a “real” job like your successful cousin Ernie. Feel sorry for yourself in your small apartment with the lousy plumbing. Have a good cry. Then let it go.

58-61. Send out more query letters.

62.   Open the umpteenth email from a literary agent or publisher. Stop breathing. Wonder if “umpteenth” is even a word. Read email again. Remember to breathe again. Leap up from your chair with a strangled-sounding laugh. Repeat the phrase “we love your book and would like to offer you a contract” in your head or out loud a zillion times.

63.   Sign the contract. Pat yourself on the back. Celebrate. Return to earth. 

See how easy it is?