65 Daily Tactics To Avoid Reality

It occurred to me recently that the one percenters are fearless warriors in the financial world, whereas we 99 percenters tend to tread softly when it comes to fiscal matters (not to be confused with fecal matters). Maybe it’s low self-esteem, maybe it’s a lack of role models in our lives, maybe it’s being on the IRS’ Most Wanted list—whatever the reason, instead of jumping into the cash flow of life with both feet, we will do anything to avoid reality.

You see, the one percenter rises early, takes every opportunity to bring money in, whether it’s working a 20-hour day, showing up at the factory and intimidating his workers, or calling up his pal in the Federal Treasury for another bailout, and then retires to bed. In contrast, here are 65 daily tactics we 99 percenters regularly employ to avoid the reality of life and therefore greater earning possibilities:

1.       Don’t get out of bed until noon.

2.       Don’t get out of bed at all.

3.       Meditate – for three hours.

4.       Think about what you are going to have for breakfast.

5.       Call in sick to work – and then watch Seinfeld DVDs all day.

6.       Look all over the house for your to-do list.

7.       Spend so much time correcting the grammar and punctuation on your to-do list forget why you made it.

8.       Eat breakfast.

9.       Show up to work late, play Solitaire all day, leave early.

10.   Waste time because you can’t find anything on your cluttered desk.

11.   Spend all day decluttering your desk.

12.   Waste time because you can’t find anything on your organized desk.

13.   Think about what you are going to have for lunch.

14.   Eat lunch.

15.   Get wasted on your lunch break.

16.   Close your office door and take a 3-hour nap after lunch.

17.   Check email, read email, send email, receive email, read email, send email, receive…

18.   Read entire Michael Connelly series non-stop.

19.   Pick fight with your boyfriend/wife/boss/parent over something trivial like they breath too loud.

20.   Cry.

21.   Spend all day making up for stupid fight.

22.   Enjoy a day off from life to recharge – every day.

23.   Think about dinner.

24.   Become addicted to going to 12-step meetings for unhealthy relationships to money.

25.   Clean your apartment.

26.   Reorganize your bookshelf – alphabetically by publisher this time.

27.   Decide to take up painting.

28.   Eat dinner.

29.   Think about breakfast already.

30.   Worry that you have an incurable disease and do internet research.

31.   Call everyone you know to ask what they know about this incurable disease.

32.   Decide to take up knitting.

33.   Go to a ten-day meditation retreat because your phone has been disconnected anyway.

34.   Update your resume – i.e. change the font, font size and margins.

35.   Decide to adopt a pet.

36.   Spend time on Facebook.

37.   Spend time on Facebook.

38.   Spend time on Facebook.

39.   Change your outgoing voicemail message twelve times until you sound confident but relaxed.

40.   Write a long letter to your grandma and when you’re finished remember that she died six years ago.

41.   Go online to research your complete family tree.

42.   Meditate again.

43.   Nap.

44.   Listen to voicemail from friend who wonders why your outgoing message sounds so strange.

45.   Change your outgoing voicemail message fifteen times until you sound chipper and carefree.

46.   Trim your own hair.

47.   Go to salon for haircut.

48.   Change wallpaper on your cell phone – after testing out all 166 photos in your Images File.

49.   Practice writing with your non-dominant hand.

50.   Come across Swedish-English phrasebook and decide to learn Swedish.

51.   Rent all Ingmar Bergman films.

52.   Return Ingmar Bergman films and throw away Swedish-English phrasebook.

53.   Do all your laundry, including sheets, comforters, rugs and running shoes.

54.   Masturbate.

55.   Go to church to confess sins (if you’re Catholic).

56.   Feel guilty all on your own (if you’re Jewish).

57.   Masturbate again (if you’re an atheist).

58.   Check email, read email, send email, receive email, read email, send email, receive…

59.   Spend time on Facebook.

60.   Daydream about a bright new future.

61.   Go to a psychic for advice on how to change your life.

62.   Go to a tarot reader for advice on how to change your life.

63.   Go to an astrologist for advice on how to change your life.

64.   Go to bed early, exhausted, after a long, tiring day.

65.   Make long lists about nothing important.

What are some of the tactics you take to avoid reality? Post a comment - I'd love to know!

Duct Tape and Self-Will

Cleaning up before the ball.

I heard a rumor the other day that the one percenters, those with the overabundance of cash, simply go out and buy a replacement when something they own breaks down or wears out. I’m sorry, what? What is this word they speak of, ‘replacement’?

The instant their car makes a funny sound they drive it to their mechanic’s, leave it there, and roll out of there in a courtesy car. Because of this loaned car they don’t fret or get impatient about how long the repairs will take, and when it’s ready to be picked up they pay for it. No pleading, no bargaining, no payment plans they know they can’t stick to anyway, no stomach aches. They just pay for it.  

Let me paint you a picture of the way we 99 percenters do this.

After two weeks of driving around in our debtormobile (you know, the one with duct tape holding the bumper on, the bungee cord keeping the trunk shut and the seat belt that must be tied in a knot to secure it) with the radio cranked up to avoid hearing that funny sound in the engine, we finally talk ourselves into taking it to the mechanic’s when we start fantasizing about breaking down on the freeway. For the next few days we ask around and call up various garages to find the cheapest one. We finally make a decision based on location so that we can walk back home once we’re carless.

When we get the phone call at the end of the day saying they will need to keep the car overnight, we panic. We sit on the couch and look around our apartment, counting off all the things we can possibly sell on eBay to pay for the car repairs. When it’s finally time to pick up the car, we gasp when we hear the bill. It’s always twice as much as we expect. We charge it to our credit card, praying that it won’t be declined, or pay cash and shop for groceries at the 99-Cent Store until our next paycheck.

Here's another scenario:

When the one percenters’ shoes wear out, button falls off, or ensemble becomes last season’s impulse buy, they merely donate them to Goodwill, the housekeeper, or their cash-poor friend and then purchase a whole new wardrobe because what the hell why not. When a 99 percenter’s shoes wear out we line the inside with a plastic bag. When the button on our pants falls off, we use a binder clip. When our meager wardrobe becomes out-of-date, we start referring to our look as retro.

So, yeah, this 99 percenter behavior is rather silly. And next to a one percenter we may look downright nuts. But you gotta hand it to us – with a little duct tape and self-will, we can weather almost any storm.

Don't Stop Believing

I believe in big hair!

Yes, I quoted a Journey song for the title of this blog. But it’s been blaring in my (exorbitantly coiffed) head all day, so I had to get it out some way. And the reason it was on a loop in my noggin was because of a conversation I had with a friend this morning.

He hired me to edit his website, and when I told him I was really impressed by his content, he admitted that he was grappling with strong feelings of being a fraud – that he didn’t really know what he was talking about, or couldn’t really come through on the services he was offering. Even after his good friend confirmed that yes, he really had gone through this training or really had acquired that experience, he was faced with an age-old issue. No, not erectile dysfunction. He found it hard to believe in himself.

I am blogging about this on my Occupy Selena site because I think it is extremely relevant (and because, let’s face it, I can blog about anything I want to. Next week: milksop. What does this word mean and when did it go out of popular use?* You see?!).  The reason the one percenters (the smallest percentage of people in this country with the largest percentage of the wealth) have so much money, in my humble opinion, is that they don’t suffer from Selfbeliefaphobia. They believe they can make huge amounts of money, they believe they have a service or product to offer, and they believe they deserve to have this money. 

We 99 percenters, on the other hand, don’t really believe we can make a lot of money because we’ve never seen it happen. As neuroscientist Candace Pert says: “We only see what we believe is possible.” Actually, I think that quote doesn’t exactly support my statement, but I’ll leave it in because it’s a good quote and it’s still relevant. The point is, if I grew up in a household where my parents never had money, earned very little money, and always said things like “there’s never enough money”, then that will be my reality, my core belief. (“Gee, thanks, mom and dad. Why couldn’t I have inherited your height or your ability to whistle instead??”)

And many of us 99 percenters share my friend’s worry that despite a long resume of our skills and experience we still aren’t qualified to offer our service. No wonder we don’t start our own businesses, apply for the high-end jobs or confidently ask for a raise after proving a great track record. And I’ve seen so many 99 percenters get to the point of actually making a lot of money with their talents, and then losing it all because their core belief that they don’t deserve to have that money. And by lose it I mean compulsively spend it with nothing to show, give it away to charities or friends, or ‘allow’ corrupt accountants to walk off with it.

So how do we learn to believe in ourselves so that we can achieve whatever success means to us? Well, if I had the answer, I wouldn’t be writing a blog about being one of the 99 percenters. So I’ll do what I do best and offer you a few wise words (not mine, of course, since I don’t believe I have anything worthwhile to say…):

Believe it can be done. When you believe something can be done, really believe, your mind will find the ways to do it.
--David Joseph Schwartz

 

By believing passionately in something that still does not exist, we create it. The nonexistent is whatever we have not sufficiently desired.
--Franz Kafka

 

You can have anything you want if you will give up the belief that you can't have it.
--Dr. Robert Anthony

 

Sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast.
--Lewis Carroll

 

Never believe in anything until it has been officially denied.
-- Otto von Bismarck 

 

* a milksop is a sissy, and faded from popular lexicon around 1900

Splitting the Check or Splitting Up

I wonder what the statistics on divorce are when you compare 99 percenters with one percenters. In other words, does financial strain equal more split-ups? I recall seeing graphs and pie charts somewhere about money being the number one reason for divorce, but does that indicate not having money (“Hey, do you want to go out Friday night? And by ‘go out’ I mean hang at your place because my electricity is turned off and I have no furniture.”) or simply fighting about money (“You spent $10,000 on a dress?!” “Well you bought a $20,000 solid gold hat!”)?  

My car is the one on the left.

The truth is, not having money can definitely cause a relationship to suffer. But it doesn’t have to. Let me outline one 99 percenter situation with two possibilities. As I mentioned in my last blog, Foster Car, I am car-sitting for a friend. I love him, he’s a sweetheart, I’m grateful to have this gift for a couple of weeks – but this car is like a jungle gym on wheels. The driver’s side door does not work at all and the passenger side can only be opened from the outside. The brakes are so far gone that you practically have to drag your heels on the pavement, Flintstones-style. The right headlight pops off sporadically, so that one light shines forward and the other shines to the side, kinda like Marty Feldman’s eyes. So.

Possibility one: man pulls up to house in car and woman stands at the curb waiting for him to come around and open her door as he always does. He doesn’t, so she gets in. Because he’s a man and has been trained by society and a negligent father figure to equate his automobile with his masculinity, he feels embarrassed and doesn’t say anything. She’s been to their destination a thousand times, so she tells him that the best route to the party they’re going to is over Laurel Canyon Boulevard. He takes the freeway instead, secretly afraid that the steep drive over the hill will be the last journey these brakes ever take. But he doesn’t tell her that, either. She is nonplussed by his lack of conversation and misinterprets his sweat-beaded forehead for a guilty conscience.

When they arrive at the party, she tries to get out of the car, but the door won’t open. He tells her it only opens from the outside, so she waits for him to come around and open it. He doesn’t. He can’t. He pushes the button that rolls down her window and the cold air blasts in. Before she can say ‘what the hell??’ he clambers across her lap, reaches through the open window and opens the door from the outside, and then sits there awkwardly and waits for her to get out. She jumps out and then watches him maneuver his tall frame across the center console, into the passenger seat, and then out of the car. His head hurts from smashing it on the rearview mirror and his ego has collapsed like a row of dominoes. Inside the party, she ditches him and goes home with another guy because she, too, has been trained by society and bad TV to equate a man’s automobile with his masculinity.

Possibility two: man pulls up to house in car and woman opens door and gets in, because he called her an hour ago to warn her about the new automotive glitch. They have a chuckle about this rapidly-becoming-a-lemon car. She wonders if they can make lemonade out of an Acura. He tells her he’s taking the freeway instead of Laurel Canyon because he hasn’t had the time to cut holes in the floor to aid in their Flintstones-style braking, and she replies, “Yaba-daba-do.” They reminisce about the popular Hanna-Barbera cartoon and discuss favorite episodes.

They arrive at the party and he explains the logistics about exiting the car. She unrolls the window, but he insists on being a gentleman to the end and reaches across to open the door through the window. She takes this opportunity to kiss him, and very quickly the party is forgotten while they make out like teenagers.

So you see? Financial strains do not have to negatively affect the relationship, so long as you are able to laugh at your situation. And making out heavily enough to forget about your problems doesn’t hurt, either….