Duct Tape and Self-Will

Cleaning up before the ball.

I heard a rumor the other day that the one percenters, those with the overabundance of cash, simply go out and buy a replacement when something they own breaks down or wears out. I’m sorry, what? What is this word they speak of, ‘replacement’?

The instant their car makes a funny sound they drive it to their mechanic’s, leave it there, and roll out of there in a courtesy car. Because of this loaned car they don’t fret or get impatient about how long the repairs will take, and when it’s ready to be picked up they pay for it. No pleading, no bargaining, no payment plans they know they can’t stick to anyway, no stomach aches. They just pay for it.  

Let me paint you a picture of the way we 99 percenters do this.

After two weeks of driving around in our debtormobile (you know, the one with duct tape holding the bumper on, the bungee cord keeping the trunk shut and the seat belt that must be tied in a knot to secure it) with the radio cranked up to avoid hearing that funny sound in the engine, we finally talk ourselves into taking it to the mechanic’s when we start fantasizing about breaking down on the freeway. For the next few days we ask around and call up various garages to find the cheapest one. We finally make a decision based on location so that we can walk back home once we’re carless.

When we get the phone call at the end of the day saying they will need to keep the car overnight, we panic. We sit on the couch and look around our apartment, counting off all the things we can possibly sell on eBay to pay for the car repairs. When it’s finally time to pick up the car, we gasp when we hear the bill. It’s always twice as much as we expect. We charge it to our credit card, praying that it won’t be declined, or pay cash and shop for groceries at the 99-Cent Store until our next paycheck.

Here's another scenario:

When the one percenters’ shoes wear out, button falls off, or ensemble becomes last season’s impulse buy, they merely donate them to Goodwill, the housekeeper, or their cash-poor friend and then purchase a whole new wardrobe because what the hell why not. When a 99 percenter’s shoes wear out we line the inside with a plastic bag. When the button on our pants falls off, we use a binder clip. When our meager wardrobe becomes out-of-date, we start referring to our look as retro.

So, yeah, this 99 percenter behavior is rather silly. And next to a one percenter we may look downright nuts. But you gotta hand it to us – with a little duct tape and self-will, we can weather almost any storm.