Splitting the Check or Splitting Up

I wonder what the statistics on divorce are when you compare 99 percenters with one percenters. In other words, does financial strain equal more split-ups? I recall seeing graphs and pie charts somewhere about money being the number one reason for divorce, but does that indicate not having money (“Hey, do you want to go out Friday night? And by ‘go out’ I mean hang at your place because my electricity is turned off and I have no furniture.”) or simply fighting about money (“You spent $10,000 on a dress?!” “Well you bought a $20,000 solid gold hat!”)?  

My car is the one on the left.

The truth is, not having money can definitely cause a relationship to suffer. But it doesn’t have to. Let me outline one 99 percenter situation with two possibilities. As I mentioned in my last blog, Foster Car, I am car-sitting for a friend. I love him, he’s a sweetheart, I’m grateful to have this gift for a couple of weeks – but this car is like a jungle gym on wheels. The driver’s side door does not work at all and the passenger side can only be opened from the outside. The brakes are so far gone that you practically have to drag your heels on the pavement, Flintstones-style. The right headlight pops off sporadically, so that one light shines forward and the other shines to the side, kinda like Marty Feldman’s eyes. So.

Possibility one: man pulls up to house in car and woman stands at the curb waiting for him to come around and open her door as he always does. He doesn’t, so she gets in. Because he’s a man and has been trained by society and a negligent father figure to equate his automobile with his masculinity, he feels embarrassed and doesn’t say anything. She’s been to their destination a thousand times, so she tells him that the best route to the party they’re going to is over Laurel Canyon Boulevard. He takes the freeway instead, secretly afraid that the steep drive over the hill will be the last journey these brakes ever take. But he doesn’t tell her that, either. She is nonplussed by his lack of conversation and misinterprets his sweat-beaded forehead for a guilty conscience.

When they arrive at the party, she tries to get out of the car, but the door won’t open. He tells her it only opens from the outside, so she waits for him to come around and open it. He doesn’t. He can’t. He pushes the button that rolls down her window and the cold air blasts in. Before she can say ‘what the hell??’ he clambers across her lap, reaches through the open window and opens the door from the outside, and then sits there awkwardly and waits for her to get out. She jumps out and then watches him maneuver his tall frame across the center console, into the passenger seat, and then out of the car. His head hurts from smashing it on the rearview mirror and his ego has collapsed like a row of dominoes. Inside the party, she ditches him and goes home with another guy because she, too, has been trained by society and bad TV to equate a man’s automobile with his masculinity.

Possibility two: man pulls up to house in car and woman opens door and gets in, because he called her an hour ago to warn her about the new automotive glitch. They have a chuckle about this rapidly-becoming-a-lemon car. She wonders if they can make lemonade out of an Acura. He tells her he’s taking the freeway instead of Laurel Canyon because he hasn’t had the time to cut holes in the floor to aid in their Flintstones-style braking, and she replies, “Yaba-daba-do.” They reminisce about the popular Hanna-Barbera cartoon and discuss favorite episodes.

They arrive at the party and he explains the logistics about exiting the car. She unrolls the window, but he insists on being a gentleman to the end and reaches across to open the door through the window. She takes this opportunity to kiss him, and very quickly the party is forgotten while they make out like teenagers.

So you see? Financial strains do not have to negatively affect the relationship, so long as you are able to laugh at your situation. And making out heavily enough to forget about your problems doesn’t hurt, either….