Pants Off To Public Transit!

Crazy Bus

I was on the bus the other day, and grabbed a seat right up front so as not to miss my stop. Happiness is… getting to sit down on public transportation, I thought with a mental smile (an internal smile, that is, not a psychologically disordered smile). A few stops later a rather disheveled and pungently scented man got on and fumbled to put his bus fare into the machine. He dropped a few coins, bent down to retrieve them, and that’s when his pants slid right down to his ankles. And he wasn’t wearing any underwear. Let’s just say I saw more of him than his proctologist ever did.

“My eyes! My eyes!” I screamed as I clapped a hand over my eyes.

No, I didn’t actually do that. But I thought it, I really did. I turned away as fast as I could, but it was too late. The image was burned into my retinas, black hole, swinging sac and all. (Sorry, now the image is burned into your brain, too.)

Without a shred of self-consciousness, he pulled his pants up, held them up with his free hand, and sat down a few seats behind me. At that moment the bus driver nabbed a young woman trying to slip past him without paying.

“Pay or get off,” the driver told her.

She shrugged. “I don’t have any money,” she said, not making any move to disembark.

“I gotcha.”

I did a double take. It was Mr Pantsless getting up from his seat (oh god, please don’t let his pants fall down again!) and handing the girl a buck fifty. She paid, and then as she passed him, he said, as cocky (yes, pun intended) as can be, “So does a dollar fifty get me some pussy?”

“Not even,” she said without batting an eye. To be fair, she looked pretty hopped up on crack and I don’t think her eyes could’ve batted if she’d wanted them to.  

Before this incident I had believed that my eight-block bus ride sitting next to a man wearing full-sized deer antlers on his head and staring at me unblinking was about the creepiest public transit experience I’ve ever had. But no, this one definitely takes the pants.